The Circle of Anxiety

I don't look like it, but I'm a nervous wreck. The sole coping mechanism I have for dealing with daily life is to intentionally avoid dealing with the things that are causing me anxiety, which means a lot of avoidance.

I've gotten a lot better about handling my anxiety over the past few years. I've learned to stand up for myself, especially with my mom, and I've been able to deal with making phone calls even to people I don't know, but there's still a lot that I have difficulty dealing with.

For example, take my boobs. Yes, I sort of have some now, even though they're barely beyond just being man-titties, but they hurt like a bitch. I can't run or else they bounce and that hurts, for the guys in the audience who don't know. I need to get a sports bra, since anything else would be too big, but I'm too nervous to go into a store and ask for help with sizes or anything. I've tried several times, but every time it's like I have a sort of silent seizure; I walk in, "panic" without really showing any signs of anxiety, and walk out having accomplished nothing other than a waste of time and a loss of confidence.

I suppose it's all to be expected, but I have no real peer support. I mean, I'm supported by my family plenty, but there's just no way my family can provide the connection I need right now. I don't really have any close friends, and I have no one to talk to about my problems aside from my therapist.

I keep trying to reach out, but so far I haven't had much luck. I went to a transgender support group, but all the trans women there were twice my age. Not that I have anything against them, but there's a whole generation gap there to make connecting difficult. There are some girls I've wanted to talk to about stuff, but in the end I always feel too scared to ask. The thought always comes to me that I might be overstepping my bounds, or that even if she offers, I'm asking too much.

I don't know. Maybe I'm just emo. Maybe I'm just a stupid shut-in girl like some people say.