Why the "Birther" Conspiracy Theory is a Load of Turtle Shit

Okay, I'm going to try something a little different this time around and write about something not remotely related to transgender or lgbt issues. I'm going to explain why the so-called "birther" conspiracy theory is a load of turtle shit finely glazed in horsefly larva.

Okay, first, I suppose I should explain what the birther theory is for anyone who has had their head under a political rock. Basically, the "birthers," as they've come to be called in the media, are a group of Americans who have come to believe that President Obama won't show his "real" birth certificate because he was actually born in Kenya and is, thus, not legally eligible to be president of the United States. This is mainly a group of conservatives, people who don't like Obama anyway either based on his policies or because ZOMG OBAMA'S A MOOSLIM!!! (which he isn't) or just because he's a black man (which he is. What, did you think I was going to lie about the obvious truth?).

First off, I should point out that the initial basis for their argument is totally, factually wrong. Obama has already released his birth certificate. Of course, the argument that is thrown back at this is that it is a "Certificate of Live Birth" rather than a "Birth Certificate." Yes, I know, there's a clear distinction (eyeroll). The governor of the state of Hawaii (the state where the president was born) has publicly stated that the birth certificate is real. On top of that, there are newspaper announcements of his birth from the time (which was about fifty years ago at the time of this writing).

Okay, so let's look at this. We have a "Certificate of Live Birth" from the state of Hawaii, CONFIRMED by the government there, and newspaper announcements of the birth. "But the announcements are fake!" Uh, no they're not, Mr. Dumbass-who-can't-accept-a-black-president. Take a good look. Every credible source has confirmed them.

So here's where things step off into clear conspiracy theory land: those newspapers were PLANTED so that he could fake his citizenship and become president! That's right: the birthers believe that the president's birth announcements were faked so that he would be allowed to be president. I shouldn't even have to go further than that to convince a reasonable person that this is bullshit, but, considering that more than half of the Republican base believes this, I will. Let's say, for a moment, that it's possible they did plant those announcements in the newspaper on the date so that Obama could be allowed to become president. Why? If you want to convince me that your crazy fucking conspiracy theory is true, explain to me why any crazy person would even WANT to do something like that? Why would anyone say, "Oh, let's find some foreign born black kid and forge announcements of his birth in Hawaiian newspapers so that he could become president someday!" Why not just pick someone who had no reason to question whether they were born in the United States? Or, more than that, why not pick a white boy? It DOESN'T MAKE ANY FUCKING SENSE!!!

So, there. If you are a reasonable person, you should be convinced now that Obama was born in Hawaii. If you aren't convinced, then that should be a clue to you that you aren't a reasonable person, but there's no point arguing with you since you won't accept any of the same facts as me anyway. For those who are convinced of reality, go out there and use this to tell the morons to just accept the truth that they can't admit to themselves. Hopefully, if enough people keep telling them they're wrong, they'll finally figure it out.