To Crawl Within Your Own Skin

So, this weekend I am planning to attend my cousin's wedding. I need to point out right now that this is a good thing, despite the things I am about to say. There are a lot of negative points of this trip that I am about to discuss, but I would not be going through them if I did not truly want to see my cousin get married. It is practically a miracle that I am able to attend at all, even in the rather dreary conditions.

First, my mother is bringing me with her, mainly because she doesn't want to go alone and no one else will be willing to go with her. On top of that, we have to drive all the way from Southern California to Reno, which is about 500 miles, and that's a long way to go with someone you don't generally like spending an afternoon with. However, oddly enough, despite the fact that I have to endure an entire weekend with the woman who abused me for more than twenty years and pretend I'm enjoying it, the thing that I think will bother me the most is the fact that I have to wear a suit.

I have come a long way in my transition, but I really don't feel ready to go full time yet, so I've agreed to wear a suit for the wedding in order to make sure that I at least don't bring anything down for my cousin. Well, "agreed" isn't exactly correct. I made a choice to wear a suit, mainly out of my own lack of confidence that I would be able to show up wearing anything else that wouldn't stir up trouble.

I talked about this with my therapist, but I don't think he understood how serious this is to me. He didn't seem to register that this was more than fear or anxiety. Yes, those are key factors in my experience of this, but this is more about pain than anything else. Fear and anxiety are things that I deal with on an everyday basis, being that I am a sufferer from a rather severe anxiety disorder. But this goes deeper than just that. It is as though I am having something truly forced upon me. That I am being forced to do something that goes against every fiber of my being and don a costume I told myself I would never wear again. I'm quite positive that many people who read this would find the analogy offensive, but I really do think that this is similar to what a rape victim must experience. Not in a physical sense, naturally, but in an emotional sense. There is a strong sense of guilt and violation. The painful memories it brings up are difficult to bear.

But, as I tell myself, it is a labor of love. I do this not because I want to or because I wish to do what my mother wants me to do; I do it because I truly want to see my cousin have a nice wedding and I would do anything to make sure she has the best day she possibly can. And so, I will wear a suit to the wedding. However, there is a condition that I apply to this. I swear to myself that this will be the LAST time I EVER wear a suit. I refuse to allow myself to suffer this ever again, and so after this I am ramping up my transition. Up until now, I have taken my time in order to not overwhelm myself; I am, after all, an anxiety patient. But I will no longer allow myself to do that. I will do what I can to transition as quickly as possible. I will NOT allow myself to suffer this pain again no matter what it takes.

I will get my ears pierced soon as a first step, as silly as it sounds.